16 September 2008

The Dam Has Broken...


And,
I can't see a damned thing.

Last week during therapy due to circumstances beyond my control (thus contributing to my new habit to stand around with my mouth hanging open because of all the things that are happening in my life that may be a bit beyond my control...or not, depending upon your current belief system...thus little messes that are needing my attention, and needing to be cleaned up before, I "grow into my new self"...a direct quote, by the way...leaving me to wonder if the old self was that bad) my therapist stated that I need to grieve because of life circumstances. Don't panic though, it's only a million little things that are adding up to current hilarity that is my life nothing catastrophic...

Normally if someone
gives me the permission to grieve, I'm on it. I go to the store, buy a box of Kleenex, some chocolate and go through my stash of good make me cry movies...all while putting my feet up on the couch and wrapping myself in a cozy quilt. Any excuse to legally cry...

This time though?

Meh...Nothing.

And, I don't think
that I have been trying to outrun what I'm feeling, I just think that maybe I wasn't ready? Then again, maybe I have been digging my heels...but yesterday after watching Definitely, Maybe...followed by Under the Tuscan Sun...(which wasn't near that sad when I watched it in the theater...of course that was before my trips to Italy and my divorce, so there's something to be said there)

I'm happy to say that the floodgates have opened. Or maybe more accurately the floodgates have left my eyes so swollen that I'm going to be forced to tell people that I've had them done this last weekend...you think with all the swollen eyelids, that it would transfer over to the wrinkles and that I would look younger...but, I actually look more purply.

I think this is
the result of not crying when you need to, for a long time...you may have a lighter heart but you will probably have swollen eyes afterwards. But heavens...I certainly feel so much better. I was thinking last night about tears...and how many different kind there are. I've read about the toxic quality of some tears, and the healing quality of others, and last night I also realized that because of my current tears, I would probably be swollen this morning. I know myself so well...

So...I'll just use the large purple surface that has become my eyelids and pretend that it's in fashion...

Heck...at least there's more surface to make pretty, eh?

(oh...and I took these pictures of the eyes on the trees during our photo walk...I though they'd be perfect for this post...only they're not as swollen as my eyes currently are...well, that and I don't have a ladybug on my face)

9 comments:

Lois Grebowski said...

I went through a mini-breakdown of sorts at age 35. After re-examining my life, I came out of it a new, "more-gooder" person.

Sometimes we gotta sift through the pain to get to the good stuff and move ahead.

Hugs hon... and lots of love pats. Strength, wisdom, and faith, my friend. Lots of it.

TomboCheck said...

Wait. Are you telling me that people are supposed to cry? Here and I thought it was accidental leakage. :)

Chickenbells said...

Lois - Oh yes...I think you've hit the nail on the head! And honestly? I don't FEEL that bad, it's just every once in a while...

Tombo - I think in most peoples case it is...In my case it was the sobbing sounds that came with it that tipped me off to more than just springing a leak...(giggle)

TomboCheck said...

Always a good idea to listen to the rattles in your ride.

Sometimes a good mechanic can point you in the right direction. :)

*You see what I did there, with comparing a body to a car? Yeah I totally feel all fancy now*

velvet brick said...

Sadie, girl... I have so much to say about the 'grieving' part... but, I'll just leave this. Sunday I was reading 'Eat, pray, love' by Elizabeth Gilbert. I had started it last year after having seen her. I got through Italy, and only made it about 1/3 the way through Bali and quit reading...just didn't hold my interest. Well..that was last year. Sunday, I read Chapter 48...and then cried. And cried. And texted my friend saying...
'my god in heaven chpt 48 in eat pray love is me my god...its me'
And cried some more. And grieved a bit too.

(passes her Sadie girl a tissue)
it's okay dear friend... let it go

flutter said...

cry-ing? Wha? are you speaking english?!?!

Chickenbells said...

VelvetBrick - That book was so wonderful...I could find something on almost every page that I could relate to, so much of it seemed like "me"...I thought maybe it was because we're close to the same age...

Felicia said...

I'm sending you a big ol' southern hug over these internet lines!

Mytutorlist.com said...

Hi Sadie!

I hope that you feel better now after the floodgates have opened. I do find that crying makes me feel so much better, especially when I haven't cried for a while and, I guess, I needed to. I hope that you feel more relaxed now and that you can take a big sigh and think about all those sad moments without needing to hold back anymore.

Take care,
Marie

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