Lately, my life has been trying, at the very least. Weird things happening in rapid succession...causing me to loose my footing in who I think I am. So much so, that I have about given up trying to figure out what could possibly be going on to cause the rapidity of situations, and when yet another thing happens to add to the pile of things that are already happening, I find myself laughing.
Sure, it may be a bit of a manic laugh, but I'm trying.
I'm finding myself making mental to do lists within the chaos...making my voice heard in new ways and trying to cross things off to keep the panic at bay.
Baby steps. Every day baby steps.
When I fall asleep at night, praying for some sort of rest, and then wake up in the morning after vivid exhausting dreams, realizing I am just as tired as I was when I closed my eyes mere hours earlier, I wonder. I wonder about all those theorists out there that spout out the story that dreams are a way of our subconscious coming to grips with , and solving problems that we can't when were conscious. My dreaming lately consists of the same problems cropping up in sleep as wakefulness...there doesn't seem to be any rest between the thoughts, obsessions and situations.
My therapist says I'm going through growing pains.
So, I guess on the one side, it's may be more restless nights and confusing exhaustion and the fall of dominoes in daily life...
But on the other? I'll be taller when this is all over.
I've always wanted to be taller.
I find myself searching for comfort where I can get it lately, slowing myself down in the middle of daily tasks seeking beauty...which is why this bowl of soup made me catch my breath the other night. I reveled in the simple shades of whites and green, the patterns and textures, and the smells...even the wet surface the water made was a thing of exquisite beauty to me.
This soup is not anything to shout from the rooftops about. It did not take hours to prepare, rather it is made from one of those Thai mixes you can get at the health food...somewhat like a Thai version of Top Ramen if you will. I just happen to mix it up with some fresh goodies I had in the fridge...leeks and peas. And in that moment, it turned into one of the most beautiful meals I've eaten in a long time. This picture was also taken before I put the ginger coconut curry flavor packet in, because that quickly turned it all reddish too, which made I'm sure made it taste better, but the aesthetics was quite different after that.
But before that?
This simple beauty...made me pause in the middle of my life...
And not one obsession cared to wander in.