Misplaced Anger...

Oh the rain, the rain...

It has been coming down by the bucket-full, and we sure need it. Green things are sprouting up all over the place where there was once only dirt. For the last 4 days in a row, there have been constant flash flood warnings. As a matter of fact, as I write this, it is still raining.

I've been saying, "this is just what it used to be like here!" Saying this with definite authority and a little snootiness sometimes crossing my arms and tapping my foot, other times with a little nod of the head while looking down my nose...then I realized that I have no idea what I'm talking about. None at all...I was a kid then (I would have never even noticed stuff like that) when this Prescott used to look like whatever it was that it looked like.

I remember running to sit out on the patio with my mom and sister to watch the lightning strike and listen to the thunder after we moved here. I remember later, during high school, being so hot and miserable during the day...but watching the clouds roll in at 3:30 and being soaked in a downpour by 4 (you could set your watch to it) and then being worried that it would be too wet to go out (not that there was anywhere to go...we just worried about it) Back then, there was only a 2 week time span when one could go out without a light jacket, cause it was so cool in the evenings (course, I only weighed 100 lbs. so, it could have been a body fat issue)

Now, I enjoy the rain and the clouds...and stress out about outofcontrolrushing water that may be finding it's way into my basement...and soaking my carpet.

So, it was with an open mouth and a rising sense of panic that I watched the City of Prescott dump a bunch of dirt on the road outside and grade the street with a big machine.

Why?
Why Now?

Now, you remember here that we have flash flood warnings still...and the water rushes like an insane river down the hill/dirt road in front of my house, and if it hasn't dug the perfect grooves (which these buffoons were now busy filling in) then it has the ability to hop up and over and come shooting down both of my driveways and puddle at the back door (I've been staying on top of it so far) and yet, I found myself totally flipping out...

I shouted into the phone (oh, yeah...I was on the phone when this was going on) "oh no! What if this re diverts the water into my driveways?!" and "I don't have an extra $600. that the landscaper who gave me an estimate, to spend on gently sloping the dirt away from the house!" and it then quickly escalated into "Oh...now I suppose on top of everything else, I'm gonna' have to get out with the rake in one hand and the hoe in the other BY. MY. SELF. and try to figure this out?!?!?" and the kicker? "How could my EX LEAVE ME TO DEAL WITH THIS ALL ALONE???"

whoa.
Yeah.
Totally uncalled for.

#1. This is not his fault.
#2. He would have never helped me deal with this and it would have resulted in a huge fight.
#3. On the anniversary of my divorce (yes, 2 years ago today) SOMEONE is still angry.
#4. Is this considered a set-back? Am I OK?

I guess it still surprises me about the intensity of some of my feelings surrounding this, you know the water issue? OK...the divorce too. I actually had the thought that I wanted someone to come and rescue me, that I'm tired of trying to be OK with doing everything on my own...being "strong"

So these thoughts seem like set-backs...
I've come so danged far with everything....
I guess that's why I feel so tired.

Thank goodness for the therapy this morning...it's like a little anniversary gift for myself, because ultimately, this was the right thing for me (the divorce...not freaking about the water issue...cause' when I got home? The road was fine, and the basement is dry, Oh...and Rich? He's on his way home for now.)