09 February 2007

Is There a Light at the End...

Swollen eyes and sniffles aside, can I just brush over the heart break and pretend it didn't happen? This close to Valentines Day? Can I just express how hard it is to walk away from something? Even if you really want it? Especially if you really want it? Even if it may not be the best thing for you right now?

Because, it is.

Hopes, dreams, fantasies...fluffy special feelings, little smiles and winks, the throw your arms around yourself because you know something is so good. The wishing and hoping and little impromptu dance steps and humming under your breath for no reason at all. And the crushing feeling when it all comes crashing down. When you feel like you have to walk away from someone...And you watch them walk away from you...

Again.

And wondering if it's supposed to happen this way? Wondering if it really is all for the best? The second guessing yourself and all the feelings that come with that?

(no matter what your friends and therapist say)

And, watching the sun come up the next day...hauling yourself out of bed to go through the motions...realizing that life indeed does go on...

and on...
and on...

And, finding a little smile on my face from time to time, and a little lightness sneaking in as well. And a little gratefulness for the chance to get to do it all...

Again.

Even though the thought of trying exhausts and overwhelms me right now.

So, I am working on a special little surprise for myself, a little something to commemorate where I've come from...how far I've been. A special little reminder. It's super secret...
(ok, not really...but it's going to take some saving up and a little time, so you'll have to wait with me until about April)

And...slowly remembering that sometimes the most traumatic things that have ever happened to me have happened during the month of February. I forget from year to year...which just proves it's not my thoughts that are doing this one...but some weird February energy thing perhaps?

Great...





9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Very poetic and expressive...getting it all out there....I think I may know what the secret is....does it have 4 wheels and AWD?
-SL

sulu-design said...

I'm glad to hear a bit of hope in this post, and especially glad to hear that you're doing something nice for yourself. Take care.

KSV said...

Sometime the wind from the door closing behind you opens a window, and sometime you have to jump. Perhaps you have to jump to do some of the things you never thought you would. Please don't feel down, it'll all get better in due time.

KSV said...

You'll land precisely where you intended. You see, subconsciously you know exactly where you will land. You just have to ensure you land upright. I think you will, just give it time, you may have already landed and all you need to do is dust yourself off.

http://afancifultwist.typepad.com said...

Hi. Where have I been? I am the heart-break Queen. When I am heart-broken I really am broken. I had the worst heartbreak of my life when I was 19(this one helped me get through the next 4). It is a long story, but he got cancer and I was with him through the whole thing, hospitals, etc. He went to his parents to heal, and then when he came back while he was kissing me, he informed me he fell in love with his high-school sweetheart and that he was getting married in two weeks, what?? I had been with him for two years. I jumped back from him fast, I was whirly girl freaking out. And he said. Vani, You are an artist, you are a fluttering soul. I will be sick the rest of my life. I need a "wife" to take care of me, not to be searching for her own dreams. Well, guess what, I am 31 now and not married. That was the biggest favor of my life. But, I spent many nights in fetal position crying not knowing that it was good. I am sorry, this is not just about me, I am getting somewhere with this. So, the pain I felt was life altering. But, it diminished, and as I accepted, my path opened, and I ended up in an angel art gallery selling my artwork. Time went on, and on, so...Then, two years ago my aunt died. With no rhyme or reason or sign, she took her life. To my HUGE surprise, I felt the exact same pain I felt that first break-up. And I realized, that stomach pit pain, and heart wrenching true broken heart feeling, well, it was not just a broken heart at all. What I was feeling was loss. And loss is tough pain. Loss can only heal through time. So, with that said. I wanted to share with you that, I know you are on your way to recovery and only you know what works for you. I know you know the pain will heal. But I must share, every bit of loss in my life, has opened my path in a new and beautiful way. I accepted the changes and believed wholeheartedly in my path, and it has never failed. There is something amazing in your path. A change. after winter, thank goodness there is Spring. XX OO Vanessa

velvet brick said...

amid the hurt...
amid the tears...
amid the horrible feeling of loss

blows a breeze of beauty...

you are taking care of yourself !
this is a thing of celebration!

as I said earlier...

sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do...

now go treat yourself to something
so decadent, it will rock your monkey socks off!! : )

love sent up the I-17 to you from the valley...

VB

leeanne said...

hey,you know. im not that far away. 4809643919 delete this after you memorize that number ok? lol seriously though. get ahold of me

velvet brick said...

Ohhhhh, Chickenbells!!
You simply MUST check out 'Give a family tree a few shakes'....
I do believe your light just glowed a bit brighter!! : )

Jolene George said...

Dear sad friend...you are my winner on my blog! I'm so glad you won because you need something to be happy about right now. (((HUGS)))

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