22 December 2009

Warning: This Movie...

Will make you squint and question your eyesight...and possibly your hearing.  Either way, you're going to get new wrinkles from squinting.

This is the warning I want on boxes of movies...I don't want a Teen warning or something about the possibility of bad language and nudity...I want a warning that has no numbers or logos, but one in those tiny movie rating boxes with a picture of a tiny eye-chart...for movies shot in low light.

This weekend I partook in a lot of flopping at The Airstream, which usually means comfy clothes (in the form of my Gnome Christmas lounge wear, and extra comfy socks) food (both nutritious and sugary snacks) and a lot of movies.

We caught up on quite a few flicks that we wanted to see this weekend.  I don't usually get to the theater a lot...time constraints, the fact that I like to get up and use the facilities, and usually Rich and I talk through movies...which most people find annoying in a theater when they pay $8+ to see a movie.  I find being charged $8+ for a movie annoying (plus?  In Prescott, if you laugh out loud or enjoy a movie in any other way in public...it usually causes quite a few people in the theater to turn around and look at you like you're totally insane...to them I say, "Hey!  I paid $8+ to see this movie!  I'm going to enjoy it!!  It's not my fault they don't include laugh tracks and you can't figure out what's funny...")

But this weekend was totally different talking wise, it was a lot more of, "Who was that?  What's going on?  Did you see that?  Did someone get killed?  What's going on?!?!"

These movies were shot in such low light neither of us could really see what was happening.  Rich thought it was because the current economic troubles have hit Hollywood and they have downsized their lighting casts...I thought maybe the darkness was a metaphor for the subject of the movie, and Hollywood is not confident enough that we'd get the sinisterness of what was going on.  Well Hollywood  we get the darkness of the subject, and may I make a suggestion?  Find a good scriptwriter and shoot your scenes well lit.  Good dialogue will go a heck of a long way to clue us in that a movie is sinister and dark.


And please could you, when you do shoot in good light (it was like dark scene moving to over lit scene thus wreaking havoc on the dilation of your pupils...kind of like a bad acid trip)  make sure that there's a mic on people?  Because between each scene...when we finally came out of the darkness we would look at each other and sigh with relief...only to see a gaggle of well lit characters who stood and mumbled to each other and then towards the screen.  This caused us to then scratch our heads and say, "What?  Did you hear what he said?  What did he say?  What is going on?  WHO was that??  Have you even SEEN that person?!?"  Which then made both of us edgy with trying to provide some kind of answers...either we could tell each other most of what was being said, going on...and heck no I've never seen that person...you were here, we just sat through 15 minutes of a dark scene...Rich and I kept thinking various characters had met their demise (like 5 times in one instance) which was totally insane, because neither of us had even gotten a good enough look at them to positively ID them if they were sitting next to us on the couch much less getting shot on screen.

I have never before spent more time, cleaning and then repositioning my glasses...pushing them up the bridge of my nose closer to my eyes...feeling to see if they were actually on my face or had spontaneously fallen off and I hadn't noticed, then taking them off, holding them up to the light filtering through the windows and checking to see if the glasses did indeed have the lenses in them and then putting them back on and pushing them back up the bridge of my nose...And squinting...I turned to Rich and suggested that perhaps we should turn on the closed caption option so that we'd be able to figure out what was going on.

And, did I mention the squinting?  Cause' now I'm looking for a good anti-aging creme that helps minimize the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles...My face is exhausted from 2 days of movie watching from the sheer force of holding the squinting face, and I swear I have a whole new set of wrinkles now.

I also continually tried to pop my ears, and clean them, and had to hold my body in some very awkward positions as I was continually leaning forward to catch each little sound.

And sitting through a movie desperately trying to figure out what's going on?  Makes a movie drag on a loooong time.  In case you were wondering.  It's also very confusing.  Which makes you doubt your ability to participate successfully in humanity.

If I wanted to be that confused and awkward, I'd clue in to what was going on in real life...Movie watching is supposed to be a relaxing endeavor.  Now I need a massage, a chemical peel, and an appointment with my therapist. 

Hollywood?  You've made me doubt both my sight and hearing...and aged my face considerably.  I had to pay for you to do this, and I am not happy.

I am also wondering, seeing as one of these movies was in a series what is going to happen with the next movie?  Instead of handing out 3-D glasses, are you going to give us all night vision goggles?  Because I do not want to sit in a darkened space for 2+ hours listening to dialogue...if I wanted to do that I'd get the book on tape.

1 comment:

Bill D. said...


I just used my scroll-down button to quickly review your past year's posts and I just want to thank you for your delightful, cheerful, entertaining and wonderful posts, stories and pictures.

Not everyone appreciates the time and effort that go into posting a quality blog.

Merry Christmas and the best to you in the coming new year!


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