21 August 2008

Missing...


I feel a little like I've been missing lately. I have no idea why that is exactly, I mean...I seem to check in here and other blogs everyday, I visit with friends, talk on the phone, show up at the gym, but...it feels as if there is a part that's missing. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it, and I'm wishing I could, as I think maybe there's a part of me that thinks I could drown this feeling in explanations...justifications if you will, then I will be OK. It's like getting reassurance from a doctor that the reason you feel a certain way is because, "...yes, there's something wrong here...you're totally justified in feeling this way..." Because even though I am usually an expert on me, sometimes a few words from an actual degree holding expert is comforting. The last time I heard anything like that was my last therapy session, and my next one isn't due until next week, so I'll guess I'll just have to fall back on all the things I've heard, read, know and lived through, and trust that what I'm feeling is OK...

I know...it's always OK to feel exactly what you're feeling at any given moment, I guess I'm human in the fact that I happen to want to assign whys to everything.

Why do I feel sad? Happy? Angry?

Why do I feel like I haven't been around when I clearly have? On the outside, I'm all over, showing up here and there just like I always do...so, by proof, this is a total internal thing...because I'm sure you didn't notice...It could also be the simple truth that once I finally noticed the deterioration of my present glasses, they seem to have gotten worse, and need to be dealt with immediately, and until then, I am feeling disoriented...

But...I've decided that for today it's more than ocular, I am OK, and that if I need to assign a why then I will chalk it up to the distinct feeling of fall that is in the air in my corner of Arizona...the subtlety of the light that is changing casting new and beautiful shadows that weren't there before, the cooler gentler breezes that are blowing, the way it feels in the late afternoon and early evening when I'm walking around, the leaves on the trees that looks as if they're finally worn out for this year and it's time for them to burst into brilliant flames of colors and go...

sigh.

I love the fall.
In the absence that I feel within myself I have also been feeling excited and I find myself anticipating...something. I'm not sure what exactly...there is a feeling of wanting to escape...to take a road trip, to camp...to find a place that I can truly enjoy the fall. Which always strikes me as odd, because some of the most horrifying things that have ever happened to me in my life have been at the equinoxes both the fall and spring. (so, I am hoping that the anticipation that I've been feeling isn't leading up to anything rash...heavens...if anything, I would like to make an alter to that which has been before...kind of like a Day of the Dead for my life). It's not pretty, the things that have fallen apart to be taken away from me, utterly destroyed...But even that can't keep me from having a lighter step lately, I'm quicker with wanting to smile, and I find that I have a sharper awareness of what is going on around me, not wanting to miss one moment of the beauty of the fall, to wrap myself in it like a blanket and live this season...and the sense of freedom and anticipation that accompanies this time of year for me.

So, if I come up missing, you'll know where to find me...happily skipping among the falling leaves somewhere, pitching a tent, hiking in the new shadows that are all around, donning corduroy and smelling the richness that is fall...Looking forward to the winding down that comes with this season...

The cooler nights, bittersweet days, flannel sheets and hot tea before bed...

And new glasses...

Because I'm not going to be enjoying this one bit through the scratches and fogginess of my old ones...

4 comments:

Lois Grebowski said...

Autumn is my favorite season. You can have summer but autumn is mine... I love the cool earthy smell, the damp rainy days, and the bright blaze of color.

Autumn is for apple picking, long Sunday drives and sleeping with the window open while snuggled under a blanket. (holding hands with my "skweetie pie")

Ooh, I feel a blog entry coming on....

Hugs, my friend... big squishy ones....

megan said...

extremely well put. douglas copeland writes about feeling nostalgic for the moment you're actually in. bittersweet and hard to put your finger on. amazing how a change of light can carry us so far away. xoxo megan

Rusty said...

I think you just need to visit California. ;)

mansuetude said...

Good Morning: just to say i love your post. Love the idea that a person who is present and active can feel missing and say so; if you were missing you wouldn't know you weren't there. so you might just be becoming present to yourself.Ironic, ha. :)

LinkWithin

Blog Widget by LinkWithin