I received a new CD in the mail today. Maybe new is not the right word. I received a CD in the mail today of a song I've never owned, but use to love a long time ago (one I never thought I'd be able to find...no, iTunes doesn't have every song). This song makes me feel...ummm, well, cool, and strong, and invincible. Isn't it amazing how music can effect you that way? Just like there are good road trip songs (there are apparently songs that make you feel invincible). It's a song from my past so maybe I'm just remembering how I felt then, who I was. This is before all the big life stuff happened, before I left college for the "real world". Before I had my first big break up with a boy that really meant something to me (before I knew that kind of hurt) before it all really started, and I had to rely on myself. I was recently looking at a photo album from that time, and a friend remarked (after we came to the end of the album...And the college/break-up thing happened...As if it were a defining moment caught on film, almost like a before and after) "what happened to you? You looked so happy in the previous pictures...And then, you just don't,something changed...your hair is different, and your face..." and the entire way I was carrying myself. I remember. It was never the same. I was never the same. And, I too wonder what happened to her? To that girl, the innocent happy one?
The song reminds me of a time when my life was more carefree. I worked without having to earn a living then...just to have money for fun. I went dancing, and was in love and young. I remember sitting in a parking lot at college poised on the edge of what would become this new life, in my Volkswagen bug filled up with all the stuff from my dorm that I had to move home and the thought..."Wow...This is going to be an amazing summer" flew into my head. And it was, one of the most amazing and memorable summers I've ever had. It was like a bridge from that young part to the part that would happen next. The first Lalaplooza happened that summer. Raves started happening...I listened to a lot of music and went to a lot of parties...I spent the night away from home...With a boy, one who really liked me, for the first time. I became this person, someone different from who I thought I was. I dressed differently, turned 21, went to "underground" clubs, and for the first time felt I was a little cool (I didn't actually believe I was cool until about 13 years later...well until now...after another lifetime of stuff that had happened to me...I just dressed like the cool people I saw around me...you know, the ones we sometime want to be? Ahhh...always looking outside aren't we?) And looking back, I can see that I still carried my insecurities with me, and they wouldn't be addressed until quite a long time later. But every once in a while there was a song (and there still are) that spoke to me, that made me feel different that who I was, or touched that part of me that really was that way.
The song I got today is called Dominator by Human Resource. It is a techno song. It goes like this:
I'm bigger
I'm better
I'm rougher
I'm tougher
I'm the one and only dominator...
Sometimes I feel strong and dominant like that...Defiant and invincible, and sometimes I feel soft and vulnerable (and sing along to folk music, or opera). Someone who changes from picture to picture, moment to moment...experience to experience. Someone who is looking and reviewing and studying their life...seeing what was, and wondering if that will lead to what will be?
And right now, I'm sitting bouncing around in my chair listening to this song with a grim and serious look on my face (because I'm a dominator) and an attitude...And funness and nostalgia...I almost believe the words were written for me. So, if you see me driving around town with a slightly defiant look on my face singing outloud to this song (generally thinking I'm cool), if you're not laughing too hard...Give me a wave.
The song reminds me of a time when my life was more carefree. I worked without having to earn a living then...just to have money for fun. I went dancing, and was in love and young. I remember sitting in a parking lot at college poised on the edge of what would become this new life, in my Volkswagen bug filled up with all the stuff from my dorm that I had to move home and the thought..."Wow...This is going to be an amazing summer" flew into my head. And it was, one of the most amazing and memorable summers I've ever had. It was like a bridge from that young part to the part that would happen next. The first Lalaplooza happened that summer. Raves started happening...I listened to a lot of music and went to a lot of parties...I spent the night away from home...With a boy, one who really liked me, for the first time. I became this person, someone different from who I thought I was. I dressed differently, turned 21, went to "underground" clubs, and for the first time felt I was a little cool (I didn't actually believe I was cool until about 13 years later...well until now...after another lifetime of stuff that had happened to me...I just dressed like the cool people I saw around me...you know, the ones we sometime want to be? Ahhh...always looking outside aren't we?) And looking back, I can see that I still carried my insecurities with me, and they wouldn't be addressed until quite a long time later. But every once in a while there was a song (and there still are) that spoke to me, that made me feel different that who I was, or touched that part of me that really was that way.
The song I got today is called Dominator by Human Resource. It is a techno song. It goes like this:
I'm bigger
I'm better
I'm rougher
I'm tougher
I'm the one and only dominator...
Sometimes I feel strong and dominant like that...Defiant and invincible, and sometimes I feel soft and vulnerable (and sing along to folk music, or opera). Someone who changes from picture to picture, moment to moment...experience to experience. Someone who is looking and reviewing and studying their life...seeing what was, and wondering if that will lead to what will be?
And right now, I'm sitting bouncing around in my chair listening to this song with a grim and serious look on my face (because I'm a dominator) and an attitude...And funness and nostalgia...I almost believe the words were written for me. So, if you see me driving around town with a slightly defiant look on my face singing outloud to this song (generally thinking I'm cool), if you're not laughing too hard...Give me a wave.
1 comment:
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