Living Out of Ice Chests...

Kind of conveys a camping ideal. Sort of. Only, I'm sleeping in my own bed, in my own house...and currently living out of ice chests.

My refrigerator finally died.

It's only 7 years old.

I was informed by two separate repair persons, that it would cost the same amount of money to fix as it would be to buy a brand new one. Can you believe this? Believe that we live in a time when it it being shouted that we should buy things made in our own country and yet there's this almost planned obsolescence? My mother just got rid of the refrigerator she bought the year I was born not too long ago forcryingoutloud (and that thing was old...) and now I am kicking myself because I passed up the opportunity to grab a vintage fridge from Dina when she moved into a new house (I did almost buy it and stash it in the basement...just in case mine should break...but I thought it would then languish down there for absolute years so much was my faith of my fridge) and it had lazy Susan shelves in it...no freezer space to speak of, and probably used a lot of energy...but it was from the 1950's and it was still running, in fine shape and I'll bet it could even be fixed when broken...and perhaps not cost upwards of $500 to do it!

I noticed something was seriously wrong with the fridge about a week ago...and had a repair person over to fix the problem...after about 20 minutes, he said, "well...that ought to do it...watch it for 24 hours, and it will either fix the problem or it won't..."

For $122. I was hoping this would be a good solution and my refrigerator would be fixed.

It wasn't

The fridge officially took it's last breath sometime Monday morning, as will be noted on the official death certificate when they come to haul it away...when I was hurrying to get my already dethawed freezer goods into a cooler (they'd been almost dethawed once) so they could be farmed out between my mom and GG...until my new fridge can be delivered.

It's coming tomorrow morning.

An 18.5 cubic feet, white GE freezer on the top refrigerator (10% off and 12 months no interest financing courtesy of Home Depot...plus an extra %10 off by opening a Home Depot credit card) with free set up and delivery and free haul away.

I think I sort of got a good deal.

But, I'm not excited.

Not like I was when I bought my current refrigerator.

I currently have a HUGE Amana white freezer on the bottom refrigerator, and I love it. I do. I picked it out 7 years ago when my then husband and I bought Foolsewoode...he trusted me to scour the town for a nice fridge at a good price and I came home one day and told him, "I found the fridge I want...but it's $400 more than I want to pay" He came to the Maytag store with me, hands in pocket...did everything but kick the tires on it and said, "If this is the one you want...then we should get it...and get the bigger size if that's what would make you happy." He was often like this with things I wanted...we never had a huge amount of extra money, but we worked well with what we had. I learned a lot of good saving habits in my marriage.

I am realizing that this process of watching the Amana chug it's last breaths twice now is completely breaking my heart. I have burst into tears a few times now, and this has me shaking my head...I wholeheartedly agree with expressing your feelings, but these tears seem like an extreme reaction to me. I think the Amana may be a catalyst for something bigger...a symbol, if you will.

Things I have learned through this process while trying to assign meaning to everything in my life (in chronological order for the past two weeks):

*Calling a repair person and spending $122 on a repair that may or may not fix a huge appliance that is needed can make you feel very cynical, but will not make you cry.
*Packing the cat up because she's acting like she did right before $ dental visit $ and squeezing in an appointment at the vet on a Saturday...watching them pry her mouth open and dive in (all the while telling you what an amazing cat you have, and how they've never been able to do such a thing to another living cat...) only to find nothing wrong can make you feel relieved, but will not make you cry.
*Worrying about a failing refrigerator you already paid $122 to have fixed will cause you to have a couple of almost sleepless nights because you're straining to hear every weird noise, but will not make you cry.
*Seemingly planned obsolescence of American appliances can make you angry and frustrated, but will not make you cry.
*Getting up at 5 am on a Sunday to be ready to go to Home Depot when it opens at 7 am after looking at Internet deals for a few hours can make you sleepy, but will not make you cry.
*Getting up at 5 am on a Sunday to be ready to go to Home Depot when it opens at 7 am after looking at Internet deals for a few hours and realizing that you may or may not be getting a good deal, but you have to make the decision kind of stressed and alone with no one but the sales guy to use as a sounding board (and let's face it, you just met...) can make you feel lonely, but will not make you cry.
*Realizing you just totally took care of yourself by yourself also makes you feel lonely then a little proud, but will not make you cry.
*Packing up quickly melting freezer items into coolers and throwing the rest of it away, and then running the coolers to various households that may be able to babysit your food for you all before you have to be at work can make you feel a little tired and humble, but it will not make you cry.
*Getting pulled over by the police when you only have 15 minutes left to get to work for speeding, then realizing your only getting a warning (phew...from the very nice officer), but you don't have current enough proof of insurance (boo) and have to take papers to the courts at some point can make you scared, nervous, relieved and frustrated, but will not make you cry.
*Looking over your shoulder only to see your ex-husband walking down the street while you're being pulled over, totally unaware of the impending warning or the death of an appliance can make you wistful and amazed (crazy universe!) ,but it will not make you cry.
*Realizing that this was the first grown-up appliance you ever bought brand new for no other reason than you really wanted it...and gosh darn it, you were worth it, and somebody else thought so too. That will make you cry.
*At least twice...and leave you feeling wrung out.
*for a couple of days.

Making me think that there's something more to this than just the act of hauling away an old...um, relatively new refrigerator. Apparently it's what the refrigerator symbolized (who knew?) and it's bringing up some old feelings about my marriage and my divorce. I don't usually think too much about my marriage, even though I remain somewhat friendly with my ex, and with the passing of time, it somewhat amazes me that I was ever even married...I thought I had put that baggage down and walked away. Maybe I put the large bag down, and threw the make-up bag and garment bag over my arm instead?

I don't know.

What I do know is that I am constantly amazed at how, during the process of divorce that I have been totally and completely blind sighted at times. I realized sometime during the process that it was never the big holidays or anniversaries that got to you, you can totally prepare yourself and steel yourself against the onslaught of emotions...and people remember to ask how you're doing. It's the more quiet moments that are the most insidious...I remember bursting into tears standing at the window doing dishes once because it suddenly struck me that my ex and I had once put the wish of having a window to look out when doing the dishes to the universe...only I was looking out the window and now standing there alone.

I can only think that this is another layer of healing.

I have so much love to give...and I suppose one could argue that I shouldn't be wasting it on an inanimate object such as a large appliance. But, there you go. I seem to have a somewhat insane love for this refrigerator...I always sang it's high praises and showed it off...kept it clean and organized thinking if I took care of it, then it would be fine. I did that a lot in my marriage too, and it didn't save that situation. Although, I do think that while bittersweet, my divorce...it was exactly meant to be the perfect end to the situation.

Maybe one day I'll feel the same way about the new fridge.