What does that feel like?
My therapist asked me this week...and how long have you been feeling this way? As I sat on a chair uncomfortably shifting back and forth, crossing and uncrossing my arms...my eyes darting around the office looking for someone to help me other than me.
Probably about 10 minutes...But, it feels like forever.
Then the dam burst...and the uncovering of a long past issue in my life has left me feeling not quite here. I know I am here (because someone is going to Snap Snap every day...and someone has also ripped it apart to install a new shelf courtesy of the recent gallery boys project clean out the room we print and frame in...so I eagerly raised my hand when the offer of a set of shelves came along. Which were delivered to me today and were so close to fitting in the space I intended...it was like mere millimeters, which left me to put my back against the wall, muster up a lot of anger and frustration and move the counter 2 inches forward...using only my feet, because lifting weights 3 times a week for almost a year doesn't quite cut it when you need to move heavy furniture, apparently...So, there's a mess that someone needs to clean up tomorrow morning...I also think I hurt my shoulder or upper back...or it could be from tension, but even yoga tonight didn't work out the knots)
Um. Yeah. Where was I?
See? How easy it is to get distracted when dealing with this that has come up? I just don't know if I feel up to discussing it. I've crumpled into tears at my therapists office and then here at Fooleswoode...the tears linger behind my eyes and threaten to spill into other carefully constructed parts of my days. I've tried to make sense of why I am still so sad about this part of my past...why it feels so fresh. I am embarrassed to be dealing with this yet again. Then again, perhaps I haven't dealt with it at all...I remember sitting in the chair at her office, innocuously discussing something else, and then out of nowhere, I was blindsighted.
Only this time, between all the tears, there was a new dawning of understanding. I literally sat on the chair at her office and flashed on a slide show of my actions neatly lined up in a row in my head...and I could see the way I have been living my life through these colored glasses because of this particular part of my past...I could see it winding it's way throughout each action and reaction...Then it was if I saw the thread of this pattern retract and unwind and let it's hold on everything go...because I finally saw it and recognized it, and then it could leave. Which was amazing (although these feelings and realizations have left me drained) It happened in an instant and left me saying...ahhhh.
I can't help but wonder if I will deal with things or see things differenlty from now on...mabye not react the same way because the pattern was called up...seen and now can go? I felt calm after this huge realization that wasn't a secret necessarily, but feels more like a key that has unlocked a door to why I do the things I do (sometimes...) but I find that I am now scared. Scared that when it comes down to it, I will react from that same wounded place.
I was also left with this part of me that finally understands why it's so important to take care of yourself and not just try to make sure that life is perfect for everyone around you...Not to suggest that you take care of only yourself exclusively at the exception of everyone...but that it's OK to put me first (for instance...in this example...) because if I am not taking care of myself, then I'm slower to be happy, and then the relationships that I do have will certainly suffer...because I can't run around doing what I've been doing and expect things to be different.
I don't think.
Or maybe I do.
Oh, that elusive 100%...I wonder if it will come back to me? Or if I ever had it in the first place?
How do you finally get through things? How do you move past? Do you ever really know?